Freddy: Edward's Sorta Famous Butterfly
by BlueMerle
Summary: Every awesome book character has to have a pet butterfly. Hence we have Freddy, Edward's butterfly. This story is simply a few humurous incidences I though that Edward, the Cullens, Bella, and of course, Freddy, should enjoy. Now, it's your turn to enjoy!
1. A Lot About Me

_Yes, yes, this is my very first fan fiction. I was just thinking, the other day, that Hey! Edward doesn't have any pets! And everyone knows the "in" pet of this century is the butterfly!! Now, the first couple of chaps basically introduces you to Freddy, the famous butterfly of Edwards. Now beyond the introduction, I'm blank so review and give me ideas.Disclaimer: the views of my employer do not conform to my views, or to any standard form of logic the Greeks thought up anyway...basically, i don't own it._

OK, I know Edward doesn't seem like the kind of guy that befriends butterflies, he's not the kind of guy to befriend anyone at all, but I can certainly and proudly call myself Edward's pet butterfly. Also, I know he's a vampire so you don't have to be all secretive and I-can't-tell-you-Edward's-secret-ish. I like my life.

I live in the pretty meadow that was pretty until Edward decided to bring his new human girlfriend there. I don't know about what he thought but she certainly stunk. She had that smell of pitifulness, clumsiness, un-coolness, and any other negative –ness you can think of. Anyway, now the place is SCARRED FOR ETERNITY!!! I mean, can't Edward find some other place to take his girlfriends for romantic interludes? Or at least pick another, better one? Sheesh, the guy's got no taste at all.

Ok, I know I'm a stinkin' butterfly. I didn't ask for it, believe me. My mom asked for me to be a butterfly cuz she's a butterfly. I mean, what kind of selfishness is that? Couldn't she have made me into some kind of fiercer, awesomer creature that goes RRRAAAWWWWRRR!!! or something?

Oh well, my mommy's dead now, I've long since outlived her. Now, let me backtrack. I am IMMORTAL!! That part, I don't mind. It's my butterflyness that I don't like. Anyway. No thanks to my mom either. This was completely my doing. All credit goes to ME.

The other day, a couple decades ago, I was fluttering around my world, when I saw the hot-hot-hottie of the town. However, this time she was literally hot. I mean, she's always hot but this time it was in a well a more literal sense. I mean, her eyes were, like, red!! If she was a human I'd think she's crying, but she's a butterfly or I wouldn't think she's hot.

Anyway, I approached her, kinda cautiously I guess. She took one look at me and WHAM! She was on top of me! Now normally, I would've been like woah, darlin' calm down, chill out, plenty o' me to go 'round, except for the fact that I started to fell oddly drained… Then, I used my insane, awesome, amazing logic and figured out that I needed to get her off of me.

It wasn't as easy as it sounds, I mean, she was like, way buff. So, in the end, I just gave her my classic, high-pitched, girly yet manly scream that busted out my grammy's antennae. She flew off me and I fluttered away as fast as my slow, fat, bulky wings could carry me.

_Alrighty, wha'ja think of that? Don't worry, Ed's coming in next, I mean, it is EDWARD'S pet butterfly. Review and give me ideas cuz if you don't, since I'm so amazingly uncreative, it'll take me ages to update after the second chapter. I actually have it already mostly written out, but I'm not gonna give it out that easily am I? 10 reviews for chapter 2!_


	2. How I met Fluboy

Here you go, thanks to all those that care and reviewed (only 2 people). Still need ideas people! Be funny! And random! If you've ever been told your weird, gimme an idea cuz I like my stories weird. Also, if anyone has an idea of a humor story that they can't squeeze out on Word, let me know cuz I'm queen of funny. I'm thinking of writing about the pickle incident. Any ideas? I made it up so I have no idea what to write…

Disclaimer: the below is based on SM's own story and is not the story or idea of her employer or of the little green men that have been following her all day.

Me and Eddie go WAY back. In fact, I'm even older than he is!! I plan to outlive him the same way I outlived my sorry ol' mommy.

So. This is how it goes. See, I was born in the middle of the Great Drepression (huh. I've always wondered, why do the humans see this time as depressious/great/whatever they thought it was?) a few years before Eddie was. I'd been following him cuz I had a funny feeling about him (actually everyone had a funny feeling to me but that's not important).

Later he got the Spanish Flu, and since I needed a name for him, I called him Fluboy. So, when he was almost dead, my buddy Carweasel (actually, he's hated me ever since the pickle incident…don't ask) bit him. Just like that.

It was entertaining watching him suffer. He was screaming all this about how he never got that Barney idea working…how he was really counting on it to help pay for his future jail bail…blah, blah, blah. Same old, same old.

Anyway, it's always fun to hear what they say when they're bit, cuz they usually spill their deepest desires and all that stuff (btw-his best friend got the Barney idea working-they are the reason for the current Barney torture. Of course, Edward isn't gonna tell anyone he plays a part in it).

3 days later, after he was changed I talked to him! I told him the rules and regulations that were meant to be broken and the rules and regulations that can be broken without sustaining any serious injuries due to the Voluri (NEVER steal their bunny. Or talk to them about it.).

Unfortunately, Carweasel found out and supposedly kicked me out… but technically he didn't since he already kicked me out 20 years before that (pickle incident…I'll tell you one of these days) …muahahahahahaha!!

However, Eddie remained my friend cuz he's awesome like that. And gullible like that. So now, I follow him around and live in the prettiest meadow I can find (actually Edward finds them for me but that's not the point) to waste my butterfly life.


	3. The Pickle Incident

_Alrighty, i got a request from someone to write about the pickle incident. I need more ideas!!! Otherwise i'm gonna put this story on pause and not post until i get a good idea which could take a while.Disclaimer:The story expressed below are not necessarily those of my employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary._

Ah yes, the pickle incident. That was in the good old days. Actually the days were a lot gooder before the pickle incident because that was before I revealed to Carweasel my true, deceiving nature.

It was a bright sunny day, and I was chewing on my very favorite human snack, a pickle. You don't KNOW how many people hated pickels those days. I was awesome!!! Free pickles!!! Yess!!!

Anyway, i was chewing on my pickle right, and Carweasel came over to talk to me. This is how our loving conversation went:

Me: Hey, Carweasel!!

Carweasel: Don't call me that. Omigosh!! Are you eating a PICKLE (the 'in' thing those days was hippie talk, Carweasel was very good at adjusting to the changes of what's 'in' and what's 'out'. Unfortuntely, i''m not, which is why i havent' been able to get a girlfriend...i'm always too late. sob)!!!????

Me: solemn voice yes, i'm eating a pickle. Pickles are awesome. If you don't like pickles, screw you.

Carweasel: Haven't we gone through this already? I'm a former human, you're a butterfly. I can squash you before you can say...say...

Me: Screw you?

Carweasel: YES!!

Me: Screw you!!

Right then, i threw my pickle adn screwed him somewhere i wasn't supposed to. Hard. I think male beings still have a weakness there whether they get changed or not. Huh. I learned something new that day!! Unfortunately, I also learned that Carweasel had a girly-yet-manly-scream better than mine. Which made me feel bad. Which made me force that pickle into his mouth so i didn't have to dwell on that fact anymore than i had to. Carweasel was still doubling over in pain from my last attack and apparently the taste of my super-duper-sour-pickle that some drowned in acid for a long time did it. He ripped my wings off after that without a word, but my quick and nimble feet scurried away before he could do any lasting damage. My wings were fine by the way.

So, now you know why Carweasel hates me. It would have been nice if i were a girl, cuz, you know, a guy can't hit a girl except in self-defense. Unfortunately, he's hated me ever since then.

_OK, i know it was kinda crappy but mobody gave me a better idea. Review adn gicve me an idea or I won't update since i don't know what ot write about._


	4. Evil or Not?

_Ok, I know I said 7 reviews (I think it was for this piece), but I'm gonna be nice for the last time. I won't be nice ever again, 10 reviews for next chap. If you read the hitchhikers guide, check out my other story: Ford's Self Help. Here we go, this idea was from one of my reviewers._

Ok, let's move on to a more recent event, very recent in fact. This happened one day when I accidently revealed my true nature to Bella, who probably knew that I had problems anyway, so she and Carweasel are double-teaming me to try to convince Fluboy that I'm evil, since they're very concerned with his mental help lately. Here's how the conversation went:

**In meadow... "**EDWARD!!!!" Carweasle and Bella explode heroically from the bushes as me and Edward were playing fetch. I was on my 150-perfect-catch streak, and they're outburst forced me to drop the thrice-accursed stick.

C & B: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT -BEEP- FILTHY SON OF A -BEEP!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?(etc, etc.)

A pissed out me: OH, so that's the way you wanna play? You -BEEP- -BEEP- -BEEP- OF A -BEEP-. And, my old woman's a butterfly, unfortunately, which is why i'm not currently -beep- -beep- your -beep- right now.

C&B, still screaming, i think Bella's gonna have a hard time talking tomorrow: EDWARD, THAT FILTHY -BEEP- BUTTERFLY YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITH IS OUT TO GET YOU!!! RESIST HIS EVILITY AND JOIN OUR SIDE!!! PLEASE!!!!

Edward, frozen, wide-eyed, (man, he's got really bad reflexes), still living in a few minutes ago: What are you talking about?

C&B ok, now i'm sure that Bella won't be talking for a while after this, and I'm gonna start betting on Carweasel soon too: HE IS EVIL!! EVIL WE SAY!!! HE'S OUT TO GET YOU!!! JOIN US AND WE'LL BE RID OF THIS VERMIN!!!!

Edward, still trying to piece this together: But Freddy's my friend!!! I refuse to be disloyal to my best friend!! WHy are you turning me against him anyway?

Bella, softly, I think her voice box is starting to react to the screaming now: Not even for me? Edward...we're concerned about your mental health.(bad thing to say to Edward, he thinks he's really sane and he's proud of it.)

Edward, getting kinda mad now: Oh, so that's it? You think I have problems? You should go see the local pyschiatrist, both of you!!!

Me, feeling better now: Sheesh Edward, could you come up with a lamer diss? but either way: OH DISSED, BELLA AND CARWEASEL!!

And the next bit of the conversation has so much stuff censored there's no point in writing it out.

_OK, i know, it's not finished right there, but i wanna make a vote: who do you want to win, freddy or b&c? at LEAST 5 votes for next chap,i might just wait for ten...moral of the story, review._


	5. I Came, I Saw, I Almost Conquered

_For future reference, I THINK I'll be able to update on either Wed., Sat, or Sun., but probably not all three... Expect a new chapter about once a week, no more than 2. I know i deleted the author's note about the grounded thing, but I'm not ungrounded yet...i just wanted to delete it cuz you already know...Ok, i have an announcement about an amazing breakthrough that i made:__I have discovered the LINE!!!! See? LINE! LINE! LINE!

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_ok, done with the lines now...review, PLEASE. otherwise this story's going on a pause whether i'm grounded or not. so give me ideas._

_about the dance-off/fight-off idea: i thought it was kinda cliche...i've read a bunch of fics like that._

_IMPORTANT!!!for those of you that don't read author's notes, read this. C&B won. also Ally is Alice

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_Ok, no need to gloat, for those you who knew they were gonna win (cough Ally cough ). I guess Edward likes his stinky girlfriend better than his best friend who's stayed by his side all this time...they kinda all just high-tailed it outta there after a while...with Bella on Fluboy's back and Carweasel lagging behind...speed never did work that well for him.

I will get my best buddy back, no matter what!! I shall perservere!! But I gotta find him first...

You know, it never occured to Fluboy to leave an address for me. I mean, usually I just send him a telepathic message for him to get over to the meadow (i never know if he heard until he comes...) and usually he's there within 2-3 days. After a week with no news from him, though, I decided to see what's up.

Well, guess what? Do you know how many houses that look almost exactly the same from above there are in the Forks? And there's never like a Fred's House sign or anything on the roofs. how was i supposed to find anyone in this mess of giant houses?

It took me 2-3 days of peeking in windows (i stopped counting houses at 102...) and seeing a few rather disturbing sights before I found Edward. The dead smell of the house kinda gave it away.

Then, it took another 2-3 days to get in. I think Ally tipped him off that i might come calling (traitor) so he's been repeatly throwing me out the door in which i always happen to land very hard in some very prickly bushes.

When i finally did get in, i learned that Fluboy was with Bella. Which didn't really help cuz i don't know where bella lives, and i wasn't about to go through the process of finding her again. so i left.

Of course, i came back later. Fluboy was luckily at home. At this point i should let you know that when i changed i took my manipulative abilities with me. so, i used my awesome manipulative abilities to make us friends again. WHen he snapped out of it, he wasn't happy. he gave me a long yelling in which i just sat their and gave him my big glassy bug eye look. eventually he stopped talking (YES).

So, at the end, everyones happy. except carweasel and bella and the kids in africa and a couple other exceptions.

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_I know it was kinda lame but i had to be quick about it cuz my mom's not supposed to know about this...i don't have freddy's manipulative abilities. review and idea me.also, someone please tell me what this is rated cuz suddenly i feel like this is more like a k..._


	6. My Ping Pong Cul I Mean CLUB

_hiya everyone!! i'm in a good mood right now: i just came back from an algebra competion and i got hionorable mention, which means i get to go to state and get a free 100 on my algebra final exam!! so, i'm gonna update. background info: i'm not crazy about ping opn but one of my male friends really likes it and thinks it should be promote as a sport._

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Ok, so, Fluboy's my friend again, Carweasel still hates me, Bella still thinks I'm evil, and Ally's still a traitor.

Now, I'm gonna create a new club!! It's gonna be called the Ping Pong Cul- Club. Now, I'm need some members...I'll try Fluboy!

So, i flew over to Fluboys. Now I know where he lives!! My customary greeting from now on for whenever I find Edward at his house is "annoying singsongy little kid voice I know where you live!! I know whre you live!!" Edward, growing more and more accustomed to this, opens on the first "you" I sing.

The best part is, since I know now that Fluboy always answers on the first "you", I'll be able to figure out if it's Carweasel or Edward that answers teh door. That way, I know whether to throw a sheep at the door opener or not. Usually I do cuz I think Carweasel catching on, that whenever someone starts singing "I know where you live", it's me. Actually, he kinda hates me more because of my latest victory.

This time, surprising, the door opened on "you". Fluboy stepped out adn let me in, telling me to shut up and screw me. That's his customary introduction when I go to find him.

"Hiya Flu-Edward!!" I squeaked delightedly once i invited myself into his room.

"I TOLD YOU TO STOP SINGING THAT SONG!!!!" Fluboy doesn't seem very happy today... but then, maybe I should change my customary introduction. Immediately after I thought this, I remembered this reaction was teh whole point I started with this customary introduction, and settled myself contently on his giant leather sofa, happy with the world.

"So...You wanna join my Ping Pong Cul- I mean Club?" I said, businesslike, getting straight to the point.

"Your what? You have a cult?" That threw him off completely cuz I don't think he likes ping pong.

"NO!! why does everyone keep saying that? My CLUB!!" I told him. All the butterflies I've told about my cul-GAH!! now he's got me doing it-CLUB keeps calling it a cult. I'm seriously wondering why right now...

"Soooo you want ME to join your PING PONG cult-"

"YES," Geez, how many times do you have to tell that to a guy?

"PING PONG, a nonsport that I totally despise, which you've also asked me to join exactly 1654234 times, 165235 if you count this time, which I've also answered "no" to for 1654234 times, which I'm gonna change to 1654235 times right about now...NO!!"

"Hey," I said weakly. The kid has a knack of making a good point..."You don't need steroids to play ping pong..."

"So, is that your 1654235th motto?" He asked calmly while slyly dragging me to a window.

"Um, 1654232 the last time I counted, see there was that one time where I used the same motto twice, and that other time..." when I looked over at Fluboy again, he was gone. He also has a knack of disappearing. And teleporting me 4 miles away from his immediate vicinity. Man, that kid was good...

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_I think that was longer than I usually have it...I'm really sucky at conclusions...I don't think I got any reviews at all for the last chapter...I'm sad now...Please review or I'll make the next chapter particularly depressing adn boring, it'll make you feel even worse than my best friend, who didn't make honorable mention...Now, I'm passing on a message from my said male friend: You don't need steroids to play ping pong!_


	7. The ARRESTED Poster

_I'm sad cuz no one's been reviewing...crestfallen look. Anyway, I'm writing a tri-chap story about what Edward's been doing those years that he disappeared after he got changed. Not that any of you actually care.___

I know all of you think that Edward such a smart goody-goody, but he wasn't all that good. In those coupla years he was gone, he got himself jailed a few times cuz the authorities saw him for what he really was...

He was a part of a terrorist group of mathematical geniuses who are trying to promote the learning of algebra and increase their group numbers... Here's the article where they caught him:

_ARRESTED:  
NEW YORK-- A 17-year-old srudent was arrested  
today at JFK International Airport as he attempted  
to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a  
pro-tractor, a compass, a slide rule, and a  
multi-function calculator._

_At a morning press conference,Commander Sergeant Major Daniels said he believes thestudent is amember of the notorious Al-gebra terrorist organization. _

_He did not identify the student, who has been charged by  
the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction._

_"Al-gebra continues to be a problem for us," Daniels  
said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes,  
and sometimes go off on tangents in search of  
absolute values._

_They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer  
to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have  
determined they belong to a common denominator  
of the ax is of medieval with coordinates in every  
country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used  
to say,' There are 3 sides to every triangle.'" _

_When asked to comment on the arrest,presidential candidate Hilary Clintonsaid, "If God had wanted us to have better  
weapons of math instruction, He would have given  
us more fingers and toes!"_

So, there you have it. Your every-day, above average student could be a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. Of course, their numbers are exceedingl imits by the minute, cuz more and more students are being given the evil Al-geba treatment.

I knew about his position all along, but back to the past. Apparently, the FBI have been looking for members for a long time, and since he wouldn't give out any information, they jailed him. He didn't spend his entire 10-20 years in that flimsy little jail, however. 

Nope, things were actually meant to get worse.

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_So, how dja like that, you non-caring, non-reviewing people who are most likely worthy of the evil Al-gebra treatment? I want reviews! Other wise I'm gonna suffer mass depression! And torture you people with math instruction! If you read this chapter, REVIEW OR I WILL POSTPONE THE TRI-CHAP STORY AND TORTURE YOU WITH ALGEBRALESSONS FROM MY ALGEBRA BOOK. MUA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I'm actually quite serious on that one. I take Honors Algebra I._


	8. The Remote Island That Noone Knows About

_I know I took too long updating, but you won't believe how hard it is to come up with ideas for this story cuz people rarely review. I had a basic idea in my head for this chap, but after all this time, I still don't have much of a plan for this chapter, and I'm making everything up as I go along, so don't blame me if it really sucks.

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Ok, I know you know that they've been looking for Al-gebra members for a long time and that they're really annoyed that a couple of nerds and geeks are beating them in IQ points and using weapons of math instruction to mathly instruct everyone and they're really jealous so they've made the penalty for being part of this group very big and depressing and if you didn't know that, well, now you know.

And by 'them' I mean the authorities, which aren't very authoritive, they only call themselves 'authorities' to make them sound important, smart, and authoritive. Hence 'authorities'.

Now that we've cleared many things up, here's the dealio: Fluboy (man, that's getting really hard on my mandibles, WAY to many syllables. I'm gonna switch to Ed now.) is being sent to a remote prison on an island of the northeast coast of Greenland at 7 degrees latitude and 94 degrees longitude (or maybe the other way around) that no one has ever heard (presumably) that's not mapped on any maps (so most of the time when a ship is passing by they just crash into it and sue the mapmakers and get rich and stop driving boats).

You might wonder how I know all this. Well, after a FULL 3min. and 27.92357490185639 seconds (most of that time was used figuring how to operate the mouse in on a scrollbar, that took a lot of figuring out), I found it written on the top secret FBI website (fbi.gov) on the link that says 'top secret maps of remote islands for baddies' that's so top secret they have no password. It's on lines 1-3 in bold print, Impact font, in 20 pt writing with a map underneath, and that same article that was in the newspaper about the arrested Al-gebra member (ed).

Anyway, they hauled Ed all the way over to that Greenland island (ha. that rhymes. haha) and they even had the whole orange jumpsuit thing going on! It was awesome!

He was, like, in chains and everything, and the peeps were soooo smug, they'd never have guessed (I don't think that was grammatically correct...) they were holding the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. See, with the proper training and all, Ed coulda taken over the world!! Muahahahahaha!

Well, that'll happen eventually, with my help.

I woulda gotten a picture, but you see, I've never managed to learn how to operate a camera while flying and holding the camera and pushing the button at the same time. Too much work. See, when you turn vampire, your limbs don't exactly extend. But pushing the button would've been fun.

I love buttons. I love how they go down when you push down hard enough, and then when you losen up, they go up again! Sometimes, they even make a nose when you push it. Buttons are so awesome. I find such simple pleasures in life.

Anyway, I would've looked suspicious: a butterfly floating around with a camera clicking away. That would've sent more cams clickin', and they're probably not gonna be mine.

So, I hid in Ed's orange-jumpsuit-fold. It was comfy. I could just sit in it and let Ed do all the moving. See, what I like about transportation is that they can transport you while you don't ever have to do anything. I always feel so powerful, watching the world pass by me while I simply sit and let Ed do all the work (the driving, flying, navigating, or wallking/running). I feel like I'm defying physics or something.

However, the plan trip was awful, cuz they didn't have pretty windows where I could watch the clouds and find stuff in them. Or maybe Ed just wasn't sitting in a window seat. See, Ed just got changed a month/year ago (I always get my months and years mixed up) and I haven't introduced myself to him yet. So he didn't know about my fondness for windows in moving items yet.

When we finally got there, they led Ed and some other baddies to their prison, where they gave this long speech about how you can't possibly survive in such conditions so there's no point in trying to escape (even though they've got guns and security peeps and all that around the priz) and he gave this long, grueling explanation about how you'll get hypothermia and how your body will slowly deteriate and basically, you die, but he's gotta explain every little bit up to when you turn to a bone which will later become a dog's chew toy.

I already knew then that Ed could read minds. And I can read them too, but I gotta think to do it, and nothing good ever happens when I use my head, so I don't do it a lot. I knew Ed could read minds, so I had my mind defense up: a brown wall. A picture of one actually, and I guess he might've been puzzling over how he keeps seeing a dull, brown wall. Maybe he thinks he's got schitzaphrenia.

Then, since I couldn't let up an opportunity to get a weapon of mass destruction on my side and massly destruct Carweasel for abusing me in the years before and the years to come, which I know will come because I don't like to leave Carweasel alone, which is probably why he always wins our little feuds and abuses me so much, so I opened up that wall and gave Ed a hint.

It went like this: "hey, Eddy, ya know how Carweasel was talkin' bout all that stuff 'bout how you were a vampy? And how he was one too? Well he's half right, except for the fact that you'll be a much better vamp that he'll ever be. I'll introduce you to me someday. But first, you gotta get out of the prison. Ya know, you can just walk out of there. You won't get hypothermia, and...I'll tell you what to do from there. So, moral of the story, walk out of there. You won't get shot."

See how I strategically planned that speech? First, I stated what he's been told, so it isn't like this came outta nowhere. Then, I used some kissing up, to make him feel good about himself and give him moral support. Then, I promised him he'll meet me, which he'll be real excited and willing, cuz, ya know, he's meeting ME. And finally, I told him what to do. That's how you manipulate someone WITHOUT the Look.

So, when the commander dude finished his speech and gave everyone an opportunity to leave, Ed PRETENDED to hesitate for a moment, then walked out as though he decided he might as well die then be stuck in a high-security priz for the rest of his life (which was completely planned, I'm sure, he was not really thinking this). He walked out, and then ran like the wind!!

I'm so proud. I know I gotta real winner right there! He seemed to disappear right under the commander's nose, but he accidently messed up my comfy fold, and left me standing. So, I gave the THE Look (not the Look, THE Look) and sang them a song, and flew outta there. Soon, I caught up to Ed, and made my introductions.

Eventually, after much explaining and convincing, we got off that island. But there's actually kinda more to come...

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_Could you tell I made that up as I went along? I know this chap was kinda longer than usual, and that's what happens when I make things up as I go along. And I do get off track. And buttons ARE awesome. Anyone got some more in-depth details for the next chappy? Not really looking for a long, drawn out explantion, just a long, drawn out idea. Also, I don't know if fbi.gov actually exists, and that page I was talking about definetly didn't exist. It was all fictional. FBI, please don't send me to juvie. Also, I don't own anything but Freddy and Freddy's attributes. And the ideas involving Freddy. _

_Also, I was wondering, since I'm having fun with the whole Freddy thing, dyou' think I should do some more Freddy stories, only like, for other books? I was thinking for series like Alex Rider or Eragon or Max Ride. _


	9. Life in Priz

_Sorry, guys, I had a lot to do: a week of benchmark, 2 days of end of course, 2 projects due, and a competition. But, here you go._So, Ed, being the smart kid that he is, got out. Unfortunately, Ed, being the smart that he isn't, decided not to hide. So, me, being the experienced butterfly that I am, didn't help him out so he could learn from his own mistakes. Unfortunately, me, being the inexperienced butterfly that I am, forgot to tell him how to get out of his situation. Fortunately, Ed, being the inexperienced but clever vamp in training that he is, busted his way out with brute skill.

You see, there's tons of vamps and dogs crawling all over the FBI and CIA and NSA and all those other confusing acronyms. That's a funny word, acronym. It has no acronym, yet it's an acronym. Life is strange.

So, 1/2 the tons of vamps and dogs got him. They lovingly serve their country and the tasty beings that come with it. They fight Injustice and beat the life out it and squish it until it can't be squished anymore. That's where they mess up: they squish Injustice so small that it can squeeze out of their hardcore clutches and escape those gleaming eyes and fang dripping with blood. Injustice is smart: it hides and breeds injustices (lowercase i) and uses them to unleash plans.

I would like to state that I have no idea where that came from. I had a poet moment.

Anyway, they saw Ed as Injustice. They had no idea that he was simply injustice. They did know that he was to be squashed. So, they hauled him in. Ed, being the naive kiddo he is, did not think to run at the sight of his own kind. Instead, he thought to run when he saw the dogs and recognised them as his rivals, but then he was already locked in another hardcore cage with dogs all around him.

So, he did what he could do: nothing. NOTHING. He sat there and let his naivete take over. Sigh. I knew then it was up to me to get him out. He wasn't gonna learn anything that someone hasn't told him yet. Just not to follow strangers even though they look like you. Peer pressure these days...

Knowing alll that, I decided to wait. I was actually in a big duel on a computer RPG, but that's not important. Details.

Eventually, he discovered the power to twist metal. He yanked those bars apart and made his way out. He made it, but of course I helped. I tipped the dogs off that there were free croissants in New Mexico. Everyone loves croissants. They left faster than that annoying storywriter who's currently typing my story and is not giving me enough credit here can type "button". No croissants for her.

Of course, there was a struggle between the forces. It was long and hard, and through much toils and snares and kickingasn scratching and biting: the croissants were GONE!! I was going to eat those. I just didn't stay long enough to take one. Instead, I was trailing behind Ed putting up a nice chat and introduction.I don't think he liked me until he figured out I gave him the hint in that ice prison.

So, here ends Ed's criminal history. From there, the worst he's done is some counterfeiting and some illegal hunting. Who's gonna arrest him for that?

_That's it for the tri-chap story. I need an idea for the new chap now. REVIEW._


	10. How To Read A Book

_I know, I know, it's been a month...But I have another excuse! Finals! Yay. cough sigh but here you go, it's about Freddy learning to read for the first time._

You know how when you have a general advantage over your minor, your minor is always constantly looking for something they can do better than you and then when the find that something they use that to take advantage over you and make you THEIR minor and suddenly you're no longer in control, and you're a minor and they're a major, and then you look for something you can do better or try to master whatever they found they could do better then you, and the whole process starts over again? Have you ever felt that horrible weakness and loss of self? It's like the whole Jacob and Esau thing, Esau sold his birthright and suddenly Jacob is better than him, only in this case Jacob sold the birthright that Esau sold him and so on and so forth. AND you're kinda selling it unwillingly.

Well, that's what happened to me. You might think that the whole explantion thing above was confusing,a dn uneccessary, but for one, that was half the point, and for another, I had to make sure you understood the painfulness of my situation.

The weakness that Ed found in me was my inability and foreigness to books and reading. After a while, he found that he a certain power over me: the threat of suddenly disappearing and refusing to read to me. That little sucker thought that he could prevail with that simple little threat. But did he? NO! I think not! In the process of retrieving my rightful position of leader, I decided to take measures into my own hands. I would learn to READ!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Since I couldn't do that alone, I had to have Carweasel help me. It was an unpleasant yet interesting conversation, but eventually my Stare of Pure Evil got to him and he grudgingly agreed to get a book and teach me to read

So, this is how our reading conversation went:

C: walks warily and wearily to the meadow with a strange, bulky object with a red dog on the front

Me: points at the funny object wazzat?

C: resigned sigh (he's really reluctant with the whole "teaching me to read" thing.) Alright, it's time you meet your first book: it's called Clifford, the Big Red Dog

Me: shrinks back warily I don't like dogs. Dogs bite. Bite hurts. Hurt's bad. Bad is not good. Good is...AGH! I broke the chain!! NOOO!! FORGIVE ME, GOD OF CHAINS!!

C: menacing voice Alright, you little sucker, you better listen to waht I say adn do what I tell you or the deal's off.

Me: Funny, that's what Ed always says... maybe it's just me?

C: Alright. The book. Do you at least know how to read letters and words?

Me: Yep. I got Ed to teach me that before he ditched me and decided I was evil and mean.

C: Sure. Whatever. Ok, You open a book like this. You take the cover, and pull up while holding rest of the book. that brings you to the first page of the book.

I watched as he opened the book to the First Page. I looked at it confusedly. It said Clifford, the Big Red Dog in big letters, with a name underneath and some otehr unneccesary stuff.

Me: Is that it? It wasn't as evil and captivating as i thought. Maybe big red dogs aren't that bad... but what do i know? i've never seen one.

C: No no no, that's not all. You have to take the next page and you turn it over. And you do taht over and over again until...he keeps magically getting the pages to flip...you get to the end! Now you can ditch that book or read it again.

Me: Bu-bu-But...tries to reopen the book to actually read it...ehhhhhhhhhhhhh I can't do it!! hard breathing

C: You have to flip the book to the side with the big, colorful words again.

Me: oh.

After a few more hours of fiddling with the thrice accursed book, I decided I didn't like dogs, no matter what color or size it is. But the next day, as Ed prepared to read me the next part of The Shining, I told him about my renewed status. And so his quest for major-ness continues.

* * *

_I know it says Freddy doesn't like dogs, but i personally have nothing against them. However, you gotta see it from his point of view: dogs love chasing things. And it just so happens that butterflies are part of their list._


	11. Plaid

_It's been too long...but I'm starting to suspect no one reads this story anyway...you must have noticed how I changed the title.

* * *

_

Today, we are on a special mission together. We will be delivering a special parcel to Edward. Now, I must fill you in on what's been happening.

See, there's been an incident involving a certain talking butterfly, and some clothes, all while the principle had been around to witness it. So, the principle's decided to enforce a uniform. As is the case with all uniforms, it's quite ugly.

But I won't bore you with the details. Know this: the principle is old-school. He does plaid. Like, red and green plaid. Yes. I know. Very scary. But as I was saying, Ed and his family went to get themselves uniforms. Unfortunately, they did not have sizes prepared for their heights. Consider Emmett. Big. Buff. Nearly 7 feet. You just don't see such a big population of 7 feeters on the the streets these days.

So, they have to wait. A while. 2 weeks to be specific. When the principle heard about this, he was Not Happy. He told them that they must have they're uniforms within one week. He was quite firm about this, even though he didn't quite meet Ed's beautiful brown eyes.

I decided to help out my friends!! Like, for a surprise!! So i paid a visit (heh. does that make me sound tough and gangsta-ly? maybe I need a deeper voice...) to the uniform dude.

The uniform dude was fat. I heard him droning on to this lady with really bad acne about how she really needs to get it fixed and how he was a doctor before he took up the needle and string and that her acne is actually a sign of genital warts, in which if they are not properly removed in good time they will spread and eventually eat away her face, jaw and all. Frankly, I think it was just a bad case of acne. But no lady likes to be confronted about their face, whether it's genital warts or acne. So uniform dude lost a customer and may have gained a lawsuit.

If the guy really had been a doctor, I don't wonder why he stopped being one. I also don't believe he was the participant of a heroic battle in which he heroically reduced the Loch Ness Monster to tears with a needle and thread while secretly taking Princess Peach out of danger. No, I think he just bellyflopped on poor Nessie...no one would ever survive such a bellyflop. But you'd think a past doctor would know the risks of eating to much...

We had a chat about what he needed to do. It went sorta like this.

Me: --manly voice-- Hey, you!! BEHOLD!! 'TIS THE MIGHTY VAMPIRE BUTTERFLY GOD!!

UD (uniform dude): --doubtful voice-- Erm...Don't you mean goddess?

Me: --offended AND manly voice, beat that!0-- HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO THE MIGHTY VAMPIRE BUTTERFLY GOD WITH SUCH DOUBT IN YOU VOICE!! AND HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!! AND HOW DARE YOU TO BE SO BLIND NOT TO SEE CLEARLY THAT I'M AM NOT FEMALE!!

UD: --attempting menacing voice, sorta failing-- Whadya want!?

Me: --using a REAL menacing voice--, I think I COMMAND YOU TO CREATE THE UNIFORMS FOR EDWARD CULLEN, EMMETT CULLEN, AND JASPER CULLEN BY TOMMORROW!! OR YOU SHALL FACE MY WRATH!! (at this point I still wasn't sure what his punishment was...I don't think slugging him would do him much hurt...)

UD: Oh. You mean those giant boys.

Me: --sudden epiphany-- Yes. Remember the big, muscly one? Well, he's Emmett Cullen. He's my bud.

UD: --figuring things out-- Oh. You you're gonna get this Emmett Cullen dude to beat me up for not makinghis uniform.

Me: --shrug-- Maybe. Although I'll probably bring Edward Cullen. Or I'll bite you. I am a VAMPIRE BUTTERFLY GOD after all.

UD: --roars with laughter--

Me: --the Stare--

UD: --sees the stare squeak--

Me: Wonderful. I'll come back for it tommorrow. --just to make sure he got the message, the Stare is used again--

Well, that concludes that visit. Much as I hate to admit it, UD is a man true to his word. He handed me the packages with grunt and a squeak the next day. So, since it was a school day, I flew over to Ed's and burst throught the door heroically with the packages. I flew to each Emmett, Jasper, and Edward and threw theirs at them. Unfortunately, the packages were kinda big, and somehow they all ended on Ed cuz it's kinda hard to seperate one from the other while they're in your bicuspids.

Ed: What are these?

Me: What do you think they are?

Ed: Um...packages?

Me: Than that's what they are. They're not all your's by the way, the top ones for Emmett and the bottom is for Jasper.

Ed: But what's in the packages?

Me: Not telling. That would ruin it's whole reason to be.

Ed: And what's it's reason to be?

Me: To be opened of course, and reveal what's inside it.

Ed: It's the uniforms right?

Me: --fingers in ears, humming-- Not telling...

Ed: --heads upstairs. momments later, comes down in his new uniform--

Me: SURPRISE!! IT'S THE UNIFORMS!!

Ed: --rolls eyes-- You are so weird.

Well, after that, they all went to school in their know uniforms. Thanks to me. Though no one actually thanked me...

* * *

_So, here's the long delayed chapter...the next will be delayed more if i feel like no one's reading cuz of the lack of reviews...but I also need new ideas...i'm all out...Please?!_


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